The trans feminine experience is one of pain. There’s beauty and glory in there too, but it always starts with pain. Pain tells us something is wrong. It tells us that we need to make a change. It shows us how brave we are, and how far we’re willing to go. You are already very familiar with pain.
That pain is important, sacred almost, because without that pain we wouldn’t realize who we are. You may hate it, Goddess knows I have sometimes, but it’s much better to learn from it to suppress it. You must strive to understand it. Even to find beauty in it. Some day, you may cherish your scars.
But that same pain can poison us. It would be lovely to think that every trans woman who goes through the crucible would come out the other side as a courageous, generous human being, but it doesn’t work that way. You will meet trans women who are so wrapped up in their own agony that they have become toxic to everyone around them. Once you know what to look for, they’re easy to spot.
If you listen to nothing else I have to say, attend to this: stay the fuck away from them while you’re still figuring your own shit out. They’re contagious. If that venom gets inside you while you’re still molding yourself, it can really be hard to get it out. Your world will become a place of thorns and shadows, and you won’t know how to escape.
Understand that this is not a prohibition against expressing pain, or a call to become an army of Stepford wives. Express yourself, let people who care about you know when you’re hurting. Blow off steam when you have to. Don’t let it consume you. Don’t give in to the temptation of bitterness. Bitterness trades a moment of solace now for a lifetime of agony later.
The answer is love. Always keep your love close. If it’s your family, if it’s your friends, even if it’s just your dog, know who you love, and know that they love you. Show love and kindness to as many people as you can. Strive to be a positive force in the world. Sometimes, that means calling out bullshit and taking a stand, but far more often it means patience, and empathy, and the hard emotional work it takes to accept your flaws and work on improving them for the benefit of those you care about.
Be generous and forgiving, to yourself most of all. Love yourself. Love your family, chosen or born. Create and enjoy as much love as you can, and try to understand that love tinted with pain can be the most beautiful thing in the world.
We are born from pain, and love sets us free.
Note: this article was originally published on my tumblr.